Okay, my mind is going nonstop! I need to get these thoughts out, because it helps relieve some of the pressure when I write them down. And where better to release my inner most thoughts, than on my personal art blog? Sounds reasonable enough to me. :)
I am so over this world. Like, if a man with a gun were to come into a gas station while I was in there, I would walk straight over to him and tell him to shoot me dead! It’s not a crazy thought. I’m quite justified in my not wanting to be here anymore. But I’m not going to take my own life. So, I just have to hope that someone else feels like doing it.
Regarding the bigger picture… I don’t give a shit anymore. Or, at least, I’m well on my way towards not giving a shit.
My personality is one of caring about people and being sensitive to the world and its energy, whether positive or negative, and always wanting to love and be loved. But, this sensitivity has caused me to ride this awesome rollercoaster of feeling so happy I could fly, and then plunging down into the deepest of depressions I think a human being can ever know. What a way to be. Wouldn’t suggest it for anyone. It involves a lot of self inflicted pain: spiritual, mental, and physical.
I’ve always seen through bullshit. Granted, I’ve let myself be deceived a number of times, but I always admit when I have been wrong, and move on, continuing my search for truth. But fuck if the real truth ain’t hard to find! I mean, there’s so much disinfo crap out there, that my brain gets so tired of having to sift through all of it, just so I can find a rare nugget here and there.
I don’t know why I’m so damn curious about everything. ‘Why?’ is my question of choice, among all the other words that lead into questions. I have a deep urge to question EVERYTHING, and to not stop searching till I’ve found a satisfactory answer to my inquiry. Which, I rarely ever find a satisfactory answer. It seems like there are a lot of bits and pieces of truth scattered here and there, but finding someone who can take those pieces and form them into a grand sensible whole seems to be an impossible feat. Maybe the person to do that is me? I mean, maybe there was a reason for me not dying way back when I attempted to kill myself those 3 times. Could it be possible that I’ve found my purpose in life??? Ha, not likely.
Feelings of grandeur and specialness are tempting for those who aren’t hypnotized by the mass mind control going on on this planet. I admit, sometimes I’ll read my facebook page and what all the ‘sheeple’ are talking about, and standing on my pedestal, I’ll laugh at their ignorance and blindness. Silly humans, can’t you see what I see? Why do you fall for all these lies and manipulative mind tricks? But then, I think, “Hmm, I’m judging them. Now, how spiritual is that?”
I mean, fuck. I’m so goddamn aware, tolerant, and open-minded, that it’s even hard to get angry at stupid people anymore. Actually, sometimes it’s not hard. It’s very easy, really. But, then my spirit kicks my butt and tells me, “We all can be traced back to one source, so they are you and you are them, and you don’t know what all these people you are judging have been through. Can you put yourself in their shoes? If you had been born with that personality and had the same upbringing, and had been through the same shit that person had, how would you be?” Valid questions, spirit, I see what you’re saying. *sigh*
I’m just tired. Tired of questions that lead to nowhere. Tired of battling with my mind, spirit, and ego. Tired of caring what other people think or do, and caring how they might perceive what I think or do. Tired of hearing people’s opinions about stuff they haven’t really taken the time to objectively research. Tired of reality being subjective to the individual being. Tired of not being able to fly! Ugh, that’s the worst thing!!! Why the hell do I have to be bound by gravity? It really sucks feeling trapped in this human body.
I’m to the point of saying none of this shit matters!!! Really, Linkin Park said it best: “In the end, it doesn’t even matter.” We’re all going to die one day, right? Why are we worrying about Armageddon, the Illuminati, politics, chemtrails, aliens, shills, demonic and negative entities, Big Brother, fluoride, poisonous food, martial law, surviving after the shtf, or any of that other stuff that entertains my mind so much? None of us are getting out of this alive! (Or, at least, as far as I’m aware, we aren’t) And even if we transcend to the fourth or fifth dimension, as some have claimed, the same logic applies. Wtf does any of it really matter? Why waste energy on fighting for your cause or trying to prove that your view of reality is the right view and everyone else is ignorant? I’m just not going to worry about any of it anymore. Not worth it. Whatever happens, happens, I could care less. Or, at least I’m trying to get to a point of consistency on that thought. Some days I seem to care more than others. Lol, not today, though. :)
Here's a picture to illustrate my reality ^_^